Yesterday I was visiting a tomb of the past. I was looking back, what I have been leaving behind, inside the stream of my very own breath. There were a lot of things those holding me back there, one of them I know it as fear. Fear made me denied myself from entering a path of unknown – path of non-sureness.
Even I knew that subtle formless thing was fear itself, but deep within me, there was never brought up an understanding about this circumstance. It was so dark, a pitch black mist which no such a weak mind like mine would be able to grasp something. The more I went deeper, the more I lost myself, the more I confused about direction.
But I was very full of myself, I asked no guidance nor opinion of others, I kept everything by myself – and believed if someday I can overcome everything by myself. Yes, everything was just about me – I was very full of myself. But I wouldn’t dare to say if today I am free of this kind ego.
Then, the more deeper I was looking for the root of my problem, my fear – I’ve found nothing, nothing at all, nothing but a dark and unknown surrounding. I was desperate, I was cried a lot, all by myself. Today I think, there is a part of me (or maybe all part of me) so fragile.
Yesterday, I was looking back on all that. What was I searching for? Was I wanting become a fearless entity? Was I wanting to understand the root of my fear? Or was just I want to know, what was happening to me?
I think, I have been wasting to much time, searching for the ‘me’ which never wanted to fully open itself for itself. Wasting to much time in looking for ‘me’ which is the creator of its own fear. If I am the fear itself, the I have no much choice but to live with it. Not opposing fear – I hope – would give me a chance somewhere in which a windows of understanding shall opened by itself.
It is a tomb of past, but still it is the present and the very future itself. Yet, I don’t understand that much, but there is something within me is saying, it feels that much.